For Ryan Out Loud

The Almighty Jacks

2008-12-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

I met God today. I wouldn’t say he was ugly, but he certainly wasn’t attractive. He was wearing a T-shirt with a wolf howling on it. And it was tucked into his jeans.

Heaven’s OK. Everyone was just playing Jacks. The most Jesus could get was twosies. I felt bad for the guy, you know, having died brutally for our sins only to go to Heaven and play Jacks. But I kinda think “Good, I’m glad he got crucified”, because he’s a poor loser. And I just can’t stand poor losers.

What Ryan's listening to: "Death" by White Lies

My last post...

2008-09-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

... makes me look completely fucking crazy.

Oh well!

Sleeping with Ghosts

2008-09-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

I don't sleep in my bed anymore. One night I could've sworn someone crawled into bed with me but when I woke up there was no one there. I remember being in that really tired state where you give in to anything that people ask.

That memory scares the shit out of me.

A couple weeks ago the same thing happened. I sleep with with my dog, and I remember one night she got up, and I felt her around my knees and she kept moving. She'd just circle around, bumping into me. It was irritating as all hell. Finally I sat up and yelled at her to "Knock it off!"

I stopped. My dog wasn't there. I turned around and she was on the couch. She lifted her head and looked at me like, "What the hell?"

I'm not much of a believer in the paranormal, but I am aware of cosmic energy. How the Universe spends its time balancing everything to make sure that human beings don't step out of bounds and completely wreck space and time. I also believe in signs from the Universe. Evidence that you're on the right path (not good or bad, but the path that's right by you.)

I also believe in the dead. Not ghosts. Not spirits. But people who travel in a different plane of existence. Too dead to the world for the living to notice.

When I find myself stuck in place, unable to move forward, I think of these static people. I hope to never get to the point where the dead keep climbing into my bed and I can no longer explain that there is someone still alive sleeping in it.

What Ryan's listening to: "Despite what you've been told" by the Two Gallants

coming soon to a website near you

2008-08-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I are starting a webcomic for the Offine... although it won't be called Offline Webcomic.

I've been re-teaching myself how to draw. It's not like riding a bike or a horse or a horse shaped bike.

So look out for that in the not so distant future...

What Ryan's listening to: "Don't Forget Sister" by Low VS Diamond

I want to believe...

2008-08-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

I don’t believe in God. I tried. I prayed. I attended church. God just never really stuck. He went away with Santa and the Boogeyman.

I’m not saying believing in God is wrong. Far from it. I think he’s a big comfy security blanket for a lot of people out there. With God comes Heaven, angels, eternal happiness, chocolates on your pillow, um… magic beans, a goose that lays golden eggs – you know, all the good stuff.

There was a time where I did have faith in religion. In church I was fascinated by older women who would stand, eyes closed, arms outstretched, offering up their spirits to God. Later though, that fascination and wonder would be choked and left for dead when perception came into play. The gift of awareness.

The Bible has some pretty neat stories and some wicked good messages, but when it comes to interpretation, especially when people get together to become a group –or a community- then everything gets completely turned upside down. Messages are lost. Essence and meaning fall away and it’s always the scum that rises to be presented in its simplest form. The dumb version.

The Bible does its best to tell us stories about how to live our lives the best we can. Only now, the way people have taken it is that they need to believe in God so they can get into Heaven. I was told once, by a believer, that the world we live in, this life, that’s Hell.

Fuck that.

This is Hell? We’re given complete freedom to live our lives the way we want. We have choice. We’ve been given brains, and limbs, and lips, and armpits, and assholes, and hearts, and intestines, and earlobes. We’re a living masterpiece. Every human being is a well oiled machine. The only flaw is that it’s temporary, and that scares people. They become insecure and afraid. With that fear, people turn to God and spiritual immortality.

This is Heaven. The whole point of existence is living and loving. We breathe and sneeze and think because we have a chance to do good things. To do what’s right. To make the best out of skin and bones. You’ll never be happy if you live your life believing you’re in some fleshy Hell.

It’s good to have faith, but why not have faith in yourself? Why feel the need to validate the things you feel with a group or a title or symbols?
Believing in God is easy. Believing in yourself, that’s what people should be striving for. That’s why people should gather together.

I don’t have a problem with the idea of God, it just takes the fun out of everything. It takes the wonder and magic out of living. Creationism? Is that really what people want to believe? That God just made the Earth like a second grade science project? Like we’re sea monkeys or something? Isn’t it a lot more magical and amazing that the Earth is the way it is by evolution? The idea of nature and life exploding into each other and creating something really fucking unique and cool?

You guys can do whatever you want, but I think that’s what I’ll believe in.

What Ryan's listening to: Asthmatic by Windmill

A grim day in blog land...

2008-07-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

Hello internet friends. I trust that the Universe is treating you all well. Sadly, I must report that the Powers that Be are not so friendly to me. It seems my life has taken a dip into a downward spiral, right into a puddle of mud and dragged around by its testicles until they were eventually pulled off. My brother went to prison for dog rape on the same day that my mother was skin-pinched to death while the girl that I sometimes love up and left me for a muscular version of Ryan B. Doyle.

Living is as cruel a venture as cruel ventures go. It feels like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. But my heart is so black and lifeless that I can’t even feel how terribly painful it is. My soul is stomped mush. My brain is achy and stuffy. My toes are… itchy.

My future seems bleak. I feel like a nobody in a world full of somebodies. It must be because my insides have been reduced to rubble and hollowed out only to be put inside a piñata so women of the world can whack it with sticks.

How can a person with such darkness inside ever fully go on living? Why, oh why have I been cursed? Will I ever learn to smile again?

… If my blogs ever sound like this somebody fucking kill me. Treat me like Old Yellar and blow a shotgun sized round through my skull and put me out of my misery. The internet has offered society two things: Midget Porn and a voice. The most frustrating thing is most people will use that voice to complain endlessly about movies, music and everything else under the sun. The other half spends their time expressing to others how hard living is, or how sad they are, or posting their shitty poetry.

I’m all for freedom of speech, but when you use that freedom to spout out the most useless information to the world it just becomes a waste. It’s also self pitying and pathetic. Get a journal. Buy a diary. Confide this information to your friends. Stop wasting time getting people to feel bad for you. Find your sense of self respect, because you’re not adding anything new, you’re just encouraging weak behavior.

The Universe isn’t fickle or vengeful. The Universe helps you become a stronger person. Just when you think that you’ve conquered one problem it throws another at you, yes, this is true. The reason it does that is because it finally knows you’re strong enough to get through it. To keep going. We live to strengthen ourselves and to be better people for the ones we care about the most.

Pain shouldn’t be used as a rod to fish for compliments. Pain is a tool you use to educate others, or to help people out when they're down. The reason we feel is to understand others when they’re feeling blue. No pain is the same, but you have to keep going. Take another step. Don’t stand still and watch things crumble, be strong enough to stop the collapse.

You have to keep going in life, face things dead on, and fuck, stop complaining all the time!

What Ryan's listening to: "Splinter's Out" by Golden State

Growin' Up Hellboy

2008-07-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

I’m a huge fan of “coming of age” films. The Graduate. Reality Bites. Garden State. All about characters trying to find their place as grownups in the world. That doesn’t sound much like a summer blockbuster to me. As it turns out, Hellboy 2 is just that.

This isn’t your average superhero movie. And I know that sounds more like a vague review coming from some moron who just uses some throwaway sentence that doesn’t reflect how he/she really feels. But it truly isn’t your average superhero movie.

It starts off with the worst scene in the movie that will no doubt cause everyone to wince, groan and hope to God the rest of the movie will be worth the price of admission. It opens in 1955 with a young Hellboy begging his father (John Hurt) to tell him a bedtime story. The young Hellboy makeup looks like it was left over Who prosthetics from Ron Howard’s The Grinch, only with horns and it being painted red (of course.)

After this excruciatingly painful exposition scene is delivered the movie finally kicks in. And it kicks your ass. We pick up, I’m guessing a couple months after the last Hellboy ended. Liz (Selma Blair)and HB (Ron Perlman)are having relationship issues, adjusting to living together and all. While Abe (Doug Jones – doing his own voice work this time around) and Hellboy and the rest of the group struggle with going on destroying the creatures that go bump in the night without having their father (or a father figure) present.

At its core, this is what the films all about. Struggling to be adults and having adult relationships. Becoming a HellMAN. All the characters are left, eager to grow up, unable to find the proper guidance or the understanding to do so.

I have to admit, I wasn’t completely sold on the film until they went to the Troll Market. It’s an underground bazaar for the bizarre. Some of the best looking creatures you’ve seen put on screen that weren’t completely CG. This is where writer/director Guillermo Del Toro shines. He creates worlds and creatures that seem tangible. Using practical effects and CG together to enhance the illusion. It’s a beautiful scene for those of us who miss the old puppets of Labyrinth, Star Wars and the Dark Crystal. It’s a scene that not only invokes old school fantasy films but also expands the entire Hellboy universe. You’ll constantly wonder “What else is out there?”

That’s half of the fun. The other half is watching these odd characters take on very familiar feelings. Watching Hellboy and Abe get drunk off cheap beer and singing love songs is a blast, especially realizing that we’ve all been there. Or Hellboy getting into a jealous locker room fight (literally, in the locker room) with the new man (don’t even want to spoil it) they bring in to be their leader. And I think that’s what surprised me the most. Relating to the characters. Watching them make poor, selfish decisions that you know will kick their asses later (a hint at Hellboy 3 perhaps?)

It’s a surprisingly touching film with plenty of cheesy (but strangely beautiful) moments. I know its cheese. The actors know its cheese. Del Toro probably knows its cheese. But dammit, sometimes I like me some cheese. It’s cheese with heart.

This film is pure entertainment. It makes you giddy. Smiley. A happy shiny person. And it holds you there until the very last (and hilarious) freeze frame. It feels like The Graduate with wise cracking creatures, and I couldn’t ask for anything more out of a comic book movie.

As Guillermo Del Toro would say “Tell your fucking friends!”

What Ryan's listening to: Loan Shark by Voxtrot

Hollyweird with the old man

2008-06-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

I was all set to do a review on Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (or as Paul called it in all his maturity, Hellboy and the Golden Shower… clever, am I right?), but my trip to LA to attend the world premiere of the film really made me realize a couple of things. One thing I expected was for it to excite me about film again. And it did.

During the last couple of years of being out of school and not having actually shot anything my love for film almost seemed lost. Making movies seemed hopeless. And writing seemed fruitless. And I think that’s why so many people come out of film school and become electricians. The passion is bogged down by endless limitations. As I watched Guillermo Del Toro stand at the podium and introduce his film, and just listening to the reaction of the audience, I knew this was exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

These kinds of realizations are expected. An even bigger moment for me is what happened with me and my father. There’s this thing that happens when a person dies and we put them up on a pedestal. We honor them and remember them. We immortalize them. What we forget to do is humanize them. My father isn't dead or anything, but I've always wanted to see my father as something more than just a man who taught me how to give a proper hand shake. And now I feel that I can.

During this trip my dad stopped being just a parental figure to me. He wasn’t just the leader of all small clan, he was my friend. During this small trip he became someone I could easily hang out with. We became a team. He was the driver and I was the navigator. I was the idea man and he was the planner. We were like a well oiled machine.

You should’ve seen us. A couple of nobodies walking around on red carpets, going to Hollywood parties and trying to get whatever picture we could with our phones (he looooves his Blackberry.)

He’s also a good lookout. When I wanted to get past security, cross some closed off areas and hang out behind the press he’d get my back. He just went with everything. When I wanted to say hi to Seth MacFarlane, or when I asked Jeffrey Tambor if the Arrested Development movie was happening (he said it was definitely happening by the way) or when I wanted to take a picture with, I’m guessing completely wasted, Ron Perlman.

There are moments I’ll never forget either. A list of small memories I’ll keep with me until I’m old and to take out when I need to smile. When we ended up being the only white guys at a rowdy Magic Johnson’s T.G.I. Fridays. When I was talking to Guillermo Del Toro and the only picture he took was so blurry it looks like a big foot photo. When he kicked the Japanese guy out of his seat on the plane so he could have more room to sit. Or my favorite memory is us being in the Mann Village theatre, surrounded by cheering fans and my dad is sleeping during Hellboy’s final epic battle. Gotta love that.

What Ryan's listening to: Maps by Arcade Fire (Yeah Yeah Yeahs cover)
Ryan will return with a Hellboy 2 review!

Space Slut

2008-06-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Before Han shot Greedo, he was makin' out with some space hussy.

From a scene cut out of A New Hope

What Ryan's listening to: "Meds" by Placebo

Growing Pains

2008-06-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

I had been nervously anticipating my friend’s wedding for quite some time now. It had been stressing me out. Loss of appetite. Developed facial tick. Loose, watery body waste. I had it all and I wasn’t even the one who had to bind my eternal soul to another human being.

Doesn’t that sound fucked up? Binding souls and whatnot?

The Groomsmen gathered, trying on their suits and being fitted correctly for the special occasion. I stared at myself in the mirror. This wasn’t just a suit. This was a goddamn tux. With cufflinks and vests and fucking suspenders. Suspenders!

Looking at myself head to toe in that mirror is when I realized that I am fucking old. Really fucking old. It’s easy to fool yourself when you have a little kid’s haircut, t-shirts with dinosaurs on them, and an awesome Boba Fett belt buckle.

If I hadn’t realized this I’d probably turn into that creepy guy who goes to high school parties and hits on fifteen year olds. Like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused but never that cool.

What was worse is sitting there during the actual wedding, listening to the priest go on and on about love, commitment and honor. Every word he spoke rocked my core. As if it was emphasized with a large church bell going off right over my head.

And as I sat there at the reception, listening to slow songs start, and watching my friends and family grab their significant others, I just looked down at my eleventh rum and coke and then threw up into the biggest handbag I could find – maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the notion of bound souls. I wondered, what exactly binds souls? The ability to tolerate another human being? Enough free space to love someone as much as you love yourself? Troll magic?

Or maybe it’s how people measure success. Basing it primarily on three factors: a job, a wife and kids. I clearly was in no way successful. This is something my friend’s dad (in all his arrogant cock suckeriness) made evident to me.
He took a small joke like me wanting his son to marry my sister and turned it into – this is a direct quote – “Ryan wants his sister and my son to get together so he can be in a family with some success.” (This is in front of my parents, by the way) He then followed with, “We can’t all be medical doctors.”

Are you fucking kidding me? This guy is like Satan. (That is, if Satan looked like William Hurt... which I imagine he does) Generally I’d shrug a comment like that off given the fact that I’ve done so many things in my life that people only wish to do. My legacy lives on in archival Swiss Chalet commercials as a kid who once asked for a roll. I’d usually just counter his bullshit comment making fun of the fact that he’s a) a big raging period stain b) his new wife has had so many collagen injections that she looks like Howard the Duck (but with huge pointy implants) and c) that I have something that he’ll probably never have: respect from people. A complete cock shit like that guy would never really garner legitimate respect.

But maybe he’s right. Maybe there isn’t a way I can be successful being an “artist”. Maybe the first step is to bind my soul for eternity. I don't know, that sounds like the Devil's work...

2008-06-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

Wow... the new Death Cab for Cutie album, Narrow Stairs, is terrible. You forget each song after you listen to them. People keep going on and on about how they went into a brand new direction as artists, but I personally think they should come back the direction they came, until they hit Transatlanticism and just hang out for a while. Hell, I'd even be alright if they stopped off at the mediocre Plans, at least there were a couple of decent tracks on that album.

What Ryan's NOT listening to: Narrow Stairs

I want to urge everyone out there to check out Sea Wolf. Saw their show the other night and it was fantastic. Unfortunately, judging by the lack of attendance, I’m guessing that not a lot of people know who they are. Leaves In The River is their debut album, and it is practically perfect in my eyes (and my ears!) Great sound. Great lyrics. Great looking band members. What more can you want?

2008-06-04T16:37:00.001-07:00

Paul needs a Pepper Potts. Or a secretary. He just needs someone to keep him on time or to distract him from the Food Network and Dr. Who. When Paul and I had placement in school together, one of my jobs was to make sure Paul arrived on time for writing meetings.
Picking him up was always a gamble. Either he’d be asleep or would argue that I was too early because “John and Kate Plus Eight” wasn’t over yet.

He also had this uncanny ability to make us exactly twenty minutes late for everything.

Recently, Paul and I were given the opportunity to see a film that had been shrouded in controversy ever since the film’s title, Young People Fucking, made itself public.

Unfortunately, we were so late for the movie that we didn’t even manage to see the title actually fade up on screen. (In my mind the title doesn’t fade up, cum squirts up over black into the shape of the letters, even dotting the I’s – now THAT’S a title card I can respect!) The reason we were late is not only because of Paul’s inability to judge time and distance (and my willingness to go along with anything) but because of a lost GPS device. It meant that I’d have to hear about said device and the mystery of its whereabouts the entire length of the drive. When Paul is upset about something, he can’t let it go. It pretty much ruined his entire night. Poor little guy.

When we arrived at the theater (both us were out of breath from a two minute run) we had to stand in the back until we could spot a couple of seats to take.
“Just wait for a daytime scene” Paul said. As it turns out, young people don’t fuck during the day.

So, we watched half an hour of the movie standing up, until a couple left the theater in disgust (you’d think if you were sensitive to sexual situations/dialogue you wouldn’t go see a movie about some young people fucking), we were able to swipe their seats.

Ten minutes after our smooth transition from aisles to seat (trying not to shove my ass into the people sitting down), the overweight gentleman next to me fell asleep. You wouldn’t think I’d be able to notice casually glancing over, trying to avoid eye contact with a perfect stranger, but the thing is, Fat Person Sleeping was snoring. Right in my ear.

“He’s probably from the Globe and Mail” Paul whispered.

The best part about it was this guy slept through all the female nudity, but managed to wake up and laugh is ass off at any homo erotic jokes or male butt shots.

He was definitely from the Globe and Mail.

All that really needs to be said about the film is that it delivered what the title promised. There was in fact Young People Fucking in the film. But the beauty in the film is that it’s so easy to come in late and fully understand what’s going on. It would be good for them because all the movie makes you want to do is have sex with the person next to you (you know, if they weren’t some sleeping fat guy or Paul), so you could take off to the handicapped stall or the back seat of your car, shoot one off, and be back for more of the movie and feel like you’ve only missed a couple of blow job jokes.

What Ryan's listening to: "Secret Identity" by the Jealous Girlfriends

The English Language can eat my ass!

2008-05-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

I abuse commas. Sometimes, I, use them , for no reason, at all.

Indiana Jones and the Shitty Screenplay

2008-05-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

Someone call David Koepp and tell him he’s a dick.

We all know the story, it’s been forever since there was an Indiana Jones movie and now all the planets have aligned, the Powers that Be have blessed us, and we can all finally see a new Indy adventure.

We should all be happy, right?

For the past year I’ve been seeing a couple pictures here and there of Harrison Ford wearing the famous hat and Indy garb. I’ve read that they had gone through every writer in Hollywood – from M. Night to Darabont- trying to get the perfect script. I’ve even seen people get sued and black listed from the film industry by letting a couple of small secrets out.

And after all this – the movie sucks.

Now I’m not one of those angry computer nerds, or those Ain’t It Cool News talkbackers who do nothing more than bitch and complain about movies they’ve never even seen before. I was optimistic about Indy 4. I didn’t think it would win any Oscars, but I sure was expecting to have some fun. Even on Rotten Tomatoes it has 80%, critics are agreeing that Indy 4 is great!

Fuck that. It is not great. I left the theatre not even understanding what I had just seen. Barely any of it resonated. I think back and all I can think about are the silly moments – and there are many. Spielberg has always had a couple off notes in his movies. Stupid decisions that make you cringe – the black gymnast kicking a Raptor through a window in Lost World, that fat kid from Hook pulling his legs up over his head and rolling down the plank, knowing pirates over like bowling pins – but it seems like the Crystal Skull is FULL of fucking stupid moments.

In fact, the movie opens up with a horrible CG gopher that keeps coming back, but in bigger numbers. There’s a really cheap looking sword fight that had to have been done poorly on purpose. (I heard somewhere that Ford wanted the special effects to look as cheap as they did in the old movies – he was joking, but I don’t think Spielberg got the joke) Hiding in a fridge from a nuclear bomb. Three waterfalls (oh the wackiness! How drole!) And one of the most idiotic moments in cinematic history is in this movie, which is when Henry Jones the third swings with monkeys from vines and catches up to speeding cars. That’s when I gave up on the movie.

I really wanted to like this movie, and I was hoping to love it. And everything I read said that Harrison Ford was back as Indiana Jones (abusing exclamation points to the point of uselessness) but he isn’t back. He’s a moving corpse. It’s sad. I can’t even remember if Harrison Ford had any lines, that’s how little he did in the film. There wasn’t anything really going on. The villains weren’t scary, there was no tension at all, and I had no doubt in my mind that the heroes would make it out of there alive. This film is devoid of any kind of threat, which just made it boring.

It was just a very poorly written script. It seemed like it was all different pieces of the scripts stitched together to make something really ugly. It’s the Frankenstein’s monster of screenplays. And I shake my head at the idea that Frank Darabont had written an Indy script that George “Turkey Neck” Lucas had turned down. It’s a fucking shame, because instead we had this mess.

I remember seeing Jurassic Park for the first time in theatres and falling in love with movies. I grew up with Spielberg. Most of my friends have. He brought the magic, the excitement and most of all, the fun. Sadly, the fun ended with Jurassic Park. And now all we have is a Spielberg that doesn’t have the passion anymore. He shoots movies for like two weeks and moves on to his next project. He just doesn’t know what fun is anymore.

Someone should call him too and tell him he’s a dick.

What Ryan's listening to: "Winter Windows" by Sea Wolf

What Ryan's writing: Offline bits coming out of my puckered asshole and........ Night of the Monsters 2

Time waits for no bits...

2008-03-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

A lot of people out there (and when I say 'a lot of people' I mean nobody) are wondering when my next short will be up.

For the longest time I failed to come up with anything remotely decent. I was all over the map coming up with ideas. Bits involving racism, the economy and even rapping leprechauns. Nothing I thought up could even hold up when I gave it a second thought (although I am still really hoping I can do the last scene from A Time to Kill but with a southern raccoon lawyer).

There’s something in my brain that doesn’t allow me to come up with shorts like Dan (who was probably born to produce sketch comedy- his time travel bit is hilarious), or Paul (his endings are often so fantastic I find myself waiting anxiously for the last line), Aaron (he has a facebook short coming soon that’s HILARIOUS – trust me), even John Baxter (hell, my thoughts aren’t even in the same universe as Baxter- but his new movie has this odd and endearing sensibility about it).
So I wait here, on the edge, pen and paper in hand trying to come up with a voice of my own. I do have a series planned that the Offline isn’t ready for at the moment, along with the Writer’s Room that Paul and I are still working out.
I felt lost. Confused. What will my next short be about? And then I came across this…

Body Integrity Identity Disorder, or BIID, is a psychological condition in which the individual requests an elective amputation. Individuals with this condition experience the persistent desire to have their body physically match the idealized image they have of themselves.

Instant inspiration.

I'm just happy to have come up with something funny that doesn't involve a guy pooping on a girl.

Old Comic

2008-03-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

by Ryan Doyle

Top 5 Albums

2008-01-18T06:36:00.000-08:00

The thing about my top 5 movies list-

I chose the films that stuck with me the longest, that made me feel good, or sad, or just made me feel something. I didn’t want to copy over a critic’s top 5 choices word for word –like some others out there- I wanted to list the one’s that felt right to me. So what if there’s no There Will Be Blood, or Eastern Promises, and yeah, maybe a lot of people loved Juno – I loved it- but I thought Lars and the Real Girl was fantastic. Fuck you if you don’t agree.

Which brings me to my top 5 Albums of 2007…

5. “Neon Bible” by Arcade Fire – I know, I know, I feel like such a tool for like Arcade Fire. But, fuck, I love this album from beginning to end. I still hate their first album.

Best tracks: Intervention, Black Mirror, My Body is a Cage.

4. “A Weekend in the City” by Bloc Party – This was my “go to” album for a while. I was able to write an entire kid’s movie just listening to it. No idea why.

Best tracks: Hunting for Witches, Uniform, I Still Remember.

3. “Leaves in the River” by Sea Wolf –This is an album that never came out of my CD player, or if I made a mixed CD there’d be a couple of their tracks in there.

Best Tracks: Leaves in the River, You’re a Wolf, Song for the Dead, Black Leaf Falls

2. “Welcome to the Night Sky” by Wintersleep – What can I say about this album? It’s phenomenal. I don’t even know how to describe it. Check it out for yourself.

Best Tracks: Drunk on Aluminum, Dead Letter, Laser Beams, Miasmal Smoke & the Yellow Bellied Freaks

1.“Historical Conquests of” Josh Ritter – Listen to the full thing. You’ll either love or enjoy every song. Even if you think you don’t like a song, all of the sudden it grows on you, and it becomes your favourite.

Best Tracks: Right Moves, Temptation of Adam, Open Doors, Rumors, Empty Hearts

Honourable Mentions
- “Under the Black Light” by Rilo Kiley
Best Tracks: Breakin’ up, 15, Silver Lining

- “Stage Names” by Okkervil River
Best Tracks: Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe, Plus Ones, A Girl in Port

- “Magic Position” by Patrick Wolf
Best Tracks: Blue bells, Augustine

- “Boxer” by The National
Best Tracks: Squalor Victoria, Mistaken For Strangers

Download this song now!

"Welcome Home" by the Radical Face

Okay maybe I didn't like how plain it looked...

2008-01-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

Check out my short that's up: Jason Goes to Work

What Ryan's listening to: Shotgun by Glacier Hiking

I like how plain my blog is...

2008-01-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

My absence as been felt around the world. Like cancer, religion and war, I have made a huge impact in the souls of many.

Fear not. Do not resort to suicide. Put down that razor blade and turn off One Tree Hill, because your king has returned to his throne.

I have spent the last few months in hiding. I had taken out the Diary of Anne Frank from the library, and forgot to return it. Ever since then, the Library Powers-that-be have been after me. I took refuge in my attic, where I had nothing to do but read the book I took out in the first place. And man, is it depressing or what? There’s not ONE funny part in that whole damn thing. And after about a dozen of the most (yawn) boring opening pages, I just sort of skimmed through it. She dies right? They find her diary or some shit? Like the video tape from Cloverfield?
Boy, Cloverfield looks like a good movie, doesn’t it? It’s hype is huge, but they’re keeping a lot of things a secret… unlike a movie last summer that pretty much revealed EVERYTHING and didn’t live up to its hype what-so-ever… I’m looking at you SPIDER-MAN 3.

I have returned to offer you all a couple top 5 lists!
Ryan’s top 5 lists for 2007!

Top 5 movies:

Last year my top 3 movies were all made by Spanish directors- Children of Men, Pan’s Labyrinth and Babel. Who will make the list this year?!?

5. No Country for Old Men- Of course it’s going to be on my list, it was the most tense I’ve ever been watching a movie.

4. The Darjeeling Limited- I try to decide my top 5’s based on what movie has stuck with me, and I keep coming back to this one. I’m not the biggest Wes Anderson fan, but this film is just flat out beautiful.

3. Once- Hands down the best musical I’ve seen. Even better than Grease 2! Great songs. Buy the soundtrack.

2. Zodiac- Everyone forgot about this movie and complained it was too long, but I enjoyed every second of this thing. And, come on, Robert Downey Jr? A great reason to see it right there!

1. Lars and the Real Girl- Could’ve easily been the stupidest movie ever made if was handled by anyone else. Probably due to its cast, one of the writers of Six Feet Under and the director of Mr. Woodcock?!? There’s something about it that just made me smile, and I really enjoyed my the little time I had with it.

Honourable Mentions

- Atonement- I was expecting some gushy romance. I prepared my eyes for constant rolling. That’s not the case. It’s the fucking anti-Notebook! I imagine most girls will go see it expecting to cry and love it but will come out hating it.

- The Mist- I felt physically ill walking out of the theatre. Great experience.

- Dan in Real Life- Why did so many people shit on this movie? Because it was depressing? Because it made you feel good inside?

- I am Legend- Great first and third act… then what the fuck happened? Butterfly what?

- Gone Baby Gone- Affleck should stay behind the camera.

- Juno- Expected to be blown away by it. I wasn’t. It’s still a very good movie.

- The Lookout- The 3rd Rock kid is fucking great in everything he does. See this, then see Brick.

- Ratatouille- Fuck Shrek 3!

- Enchantment- James Marsden is the fucking man!

- Hairspray- James Marsden is the fucking man… again!

Top 5 worst movies of 2007

5. Across the Universe- Complete Mess! Forgettable.

4. Transformers- Who was fighting who? Xbox transformer? Lens flares and a ton of smoke? Peeing robots? Mountain Dew machine robot?

3. Fred Claus- Someone should tell Vince Vaughn to stop playing himself and stick to the script. Rachel Weisz will be in this but not the Mummy 3? Give me a break…

2. Halloween- Rob Zombie dropped the fucking ball… big time.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End- It’s my number 1 because of how much I was disappointed by this movie. It ruined the trilogy. Although it has a GREAT opening scene. Don’t let it convince you its going to be any good though.

Come back for more top 5 lists! Including top 5 TV shows and top 5 Albums of 2007!

I do enjoy American Dad...

2007-09-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

Has anyone noticed that Family Guy isn't funny? I mean, who makes fun of Michael J Fox? It's Michael J Fox! I mean, there's really nothing out there that offends me. And I would understand if the joke about Fox was funny, but like most Family Guy jokes, it wasn't. Then they make fun of the Simpsons. Which is pretty much fair game, because they're both animated comedies. But, again, it wasn't a joke. It was just a character shooting each member of the family. While I do agree that the Simpsons episodes have dipped in quality over the years, Family Guy (a show that's never been funny) doesn't really have the right to make fun of it. It's like a a fat ugly girl ripping on a hot a girl because of her looks. Huh?
Why is everyone obsessed over shows and movies that are terrible? LIke Heroes. What a piece of shit. And the worst part is, it didn't start off as a piece of shit. It slowly morphed into a piece of shit. The most accurate thing I've ever heard someone say about Heroes is that it's like talking to a really hot chick who is smart and funny and then at the end of the night you take her home and you discover she has a penis.
Why do all the good shows get cancelled? And then we get more episodes of According to Jim? What the hell is wrong with the world? Grey's Anatomy? Prison Break? Fuck these shows!

I dedicate this blog to all the great television shows out there that were cancelled...

Futurama, Huff, Dead Like Me, Home Movies, Deadwood, Angel, Wonderfalls, Firefly, Arrested Development, Greg the Bunny, and many others.

My Offline acting debut will be featured on the site soon. I hope you all enjoy it. As for writing and directing something... in time. I have something a little different than what Paul and Dan are working on with their short films. Variety is the spice of life.

Ryan

What I'm listening to: "Civil Twilight" by the Weakerthans

Spider Holocaust

2007-09-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

"It's like the holocaust.... but instead of people, it's spiders" Quote of the Day

So, young female whores in Hollywood are fucking up little girls everywhere. It's horrible. It's terrible. I'm way too old to take advantage of the fact that there's a generation of girls growing up slutty. I heard two girls, no older than 13 years old talking about giving head. Wha the fuck is that? Girls had cooties when I was 13. Now they're all sucking dick and have jungle fever. Why couldn't this have been the standard behaviour when I was younger? I mean, as it stands I'm way too old to touch 15 year olds now. How depressing is that?.... (I'm not saying if I had the chance I'd touch 15 year olds.... but I would let them touch me)

I'm old. Old enough to be afraid of life. And destiny. And a chubby mid section. When did THAT happen? And I hate everything now. I'm jaded. Dane Cook isn't funny! What the hell is wrong with everyone who thinks that guys is funny? And Fuck, High School Musical? Jesus.... just Jesus. When the hell will I be famous? Soon? Is it soon? If so many people out there can be famous without being talented then when's my turn? I guess I'd need to get my name out there first. I guess this site helps. I'm working on a short film... something slightly different than what I'm used to.

I'm also working on a kids movie. The world needs another movie like the Goonies. And less celebrity sluts turning girls into little tramps. Awesome little tramps.

What Ryan's listening to: "Our Life is not a Movie or Maybe" by Okkervil River

Blogging is hard to do

2007-09-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

Aren't blogs for whiny boys and girls who want to bitch about problems they don't have and submit poems about loneliness? Blogs are hard. They're for people with things to say. What things do I have to say? I wish I could draw a Smurf by taping a blue crayon to my cock. Or going to the bar with a friends picture on my shirt, with "In loving Memory" just below it. Just so that people will feel sorry for me because they think my friend has died so they'll give me free drinks and girls would be willing to pity fuck me.

I think this blog will be a good exercise in externalizing internal thoughts and feelings which, by all rights, really should be externalized to begin with. Like how I think I'd really like to have an affair with a woman in a loveless marriage who takes care of her two boys all day (one kid would be 8, the other 10). And she'd be vulnerable and let me do anything, like do funny things to her with glow sticks while singing the theme song to Fraggle Rock.

See, I wouldn't be able to get away with saying shit like that in front of a real live fleshy person. They'd look at me funny, as if I told them that I really wouldn't mind if I got a massage from a man. Because I don't think I would mind.
To make a long blog short, this is all very strange. I'm excited about this site though. And the talented people. So, check back, I'll probably have more bullshit to say...

What Ryan's listening to: "Hunting for Witches" by the Bloc Party