Friday, May 23, 2008
The English Language can eat my ass!
I abuse commas. Sometimes, I, use them , for no reason, at all.
Indiana Jones and the Shitty Screenplay
Someone call David Koepp and tell him he’s a dick.
We all know the story, it’s been forever since there was an Indiana Jones movie and now all the planets have aligned, the Powers that Be have blessed us, and we can all finally see a new Indy adventure.
We should all be happy, right?
For the past year I’ve been seeing a couple pictures here and there of Harrison Ford wearing the famous hat and Indy garb. I’ve read that they had gone through every writer in Hollywood – from M. Night to Darabont- trying to get the perfect script. I’ve even seen people get sued and black listed from the film industry by letting a couple of small secrets out.
And after all this – the movie sucks.
Now I’m not one of those angry computer nerds, or those Ain’t It Cool News talkbackers who do nothing more than bitch and complain about movies they’ve never even seen before. I was optimistic about Indy 4. I didn’t think it would win any Oscars, but I sure was expecting to have some fun. Even on Rotten Tomatoes it has 80%, critics are agreeing that Indy 4 is great!
Fuck that. It is not great. I left the theatre not even understanding what I had just seen. Barely any of it resonated. I think back and all I can think about are the silly moments – and there are many. Spielberg has always had a couple off notes in his movies. Stupid decisions that make you cringe – the black gymnast kicking a Raptor through a window in Lost World, that fat kid from Hook pulling his legs up over his head and rolling down the plank, knowing pirates over like bowling pins – but it seems like the Crystal Skull is FULL of fucking stupid moments.
In fact, the movie opens up with a horrible CG gopher that keeps coming back, but in bigger numbers. There’s a really cheap looking sword fight that had to have been done poorly on purpose. (I heard somewhere that Ford wanted the special effects to look as cheap as they did in the old movies – he was joking, but I don’t think Spielberg got the joke) Hiding in a fridge from a nuclear bomb. Three waterfalls (oh the wackiness! How drole!) And one of the most idiotic moments in cinematic history is in this movie, which is when Henry Jones the third swings with monkeys from vines and catches up to speeding cars. That’s when I gave up on the movie.
I really wanted to like this movie, and I was hoping to love it. And everything I read said that Harrison Ford was back as Indiana Jones (abusing exclamation points to the point of uselessness) but he isn’t back. He’s a moving corpse. It’s sad. I can’t even remember if Harrison Ford had any lines, that’s how little he did in the film. There wasn’t anything really going on. The villains weren’t scary, there was no tension at all, and I had no doubt in my mind that the heroes would make it out of there alive. This film is devoid of any kind of threat, which just made it boring.
It was just a very poorly written script. It seemed like it was all different pieces of the scripts stitched together to make something really ugly. It’s the Frankenstein’s monster of screenplays. And I shake my head at the idea that Frank Darabont had written an Indy script that George “Turkey Neck” Lucas had turned down. It’s a fucking shame, because instead we had this mess.
I remember seeing Jurassic Park for the first time in theatres and falling in love with movies. I grew up with Spielberg. Most of my friends have. He brought the magic, the excitement and most of all, the fun. Sadly, the fun ended with Jurassic Park. And now all we have is a Spielberg that doesn’t have the passion anymore. He shoots movies for like two weeks and moves on to his next project. He just doesn’t know what fun is anymore.
Someone should call him too and tell him he’s a dick.
What Ryan's listening to: "Winter Windows" by Sea Wolf
What Ryan's writing: Offline bits coming out of my puckered asshole and........ Night of the Monsters 2
We all know the story, it’s been forever since there was an Indiana Jones movie and now all the planets have aligned, the Powers that Be have blessed us, and we can all finally see a new Indy adventure.
We should all be happy, right?
For the past year I’ve been seeing a couple pictures here and there of Harrison Ford wearing the famous hat and Indy garb. I’ve read that they had gone through every writer in Hollywood – from M. Night to Darabont- trying to get the perfect script. I’ve even seen people get sued and black listed from the film industry by letting a couple of small secrets out.
And after all this – the movie sucks.
Now I’m not one of those angry computer nerds, or those Ain’t It Cool News talkbackers who do nothing more than bitch and complain about movies they’ve never even seen before. I was optimistic about Indy 4. I didn’t think it would win any Oscars, but I sure was expecting to have some fun. Even on Rotten Tomatoes it has 80%, critics are agreeing that Indy 4 is great!
Fuck that. It is not great. I left the theatre not even understanding what I had just seen. Barely any of it resonated. I think back and all I can think about are the silly moments – and there are many. Spielberg has always had a couple off notes in his movies. Stupid decisions that make you cringe – the black gymnast kicking a Raptor through a window in Lost World, that fat kid from Hook pulling his legs up over his head and rolling down the plank, knowing pirates over like bowling pins – but it seems like the Crystal Skull is FULL of fucking stupid moments.
In fact, the movie opens up with a horrible CG gopher that keeps coming back, but in bigger numbers. There’s a really cheap looking sword fight that had to have been done poorly on purpose. (I heard somewhere that Ford wanted the special effects to look as cheap as they did in the old movies – he was joking, but I don’t think Spielberg got the joke) Hiding in a fridge from a nuclear bomb. Three waterfalls (oh the wackiness! How drole!) And one of the most idiotic moments in cinematic history is in this movie, which is when Henry Jones the third swings with monkeys from vines and catches up to speeding cars. That’s when I gave up on the movie.
I really wanted to like this movie, and I was hoping to love it. And everything I read said that Harrison Ford was back as Indiana Jones (abusing exclamation points to the point of uselessness) but he isn’t back. He’s a moving corpse. It’s sad. I can’t even remember if Harrison Ford had any lines, that’s how little he did in the film. There wasn’t anything really going on. The villains weren’t scary, there was no tension at all, and I had no doubt in my mind that the heroes would make it out of there alive. This film is devoid of any kind of threat, which just made it boring.
It was just a very poorly written script. It seemed like it was all different pieces of the scripts stitched together to make something really ugly. It’s the Frankenstein’s monster of screenplays. And I shake my head at the idea that Frank Darabont had written an Indy script that George “Turkey Neck” Lucas had turned down. It’s a fucking shame, because instead we had this mess.
I remember seeing Jurassic Park for the first time in theatres and falling in love with movies. I grew up with Spielberg. Most of my friends have. He brought the magic, the excitement and most of all, the fun. Sadly, the fun ended with Jurassic Park. And now all we have is a Spielberg that doesn’t have the passion anymore. He shoots movies for like two weeks and moves on to his next project. He just doesn’t know what fun is anymore.
Someone should call him too and tell him he’s a dick.
What Ryan's listening to: "Winter Windows" by Sea Wolf
What Ryan's writing: Offline bits coming out of my puckered asshole and........ Night of the Monsters 2
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